Can I trust God?

A reader recently messaged me saying:

I’m on a heart journey, and have recently learned that I don’t believe in my heart of hearts that God is good, that I can trust Him and that He’s for me. Would love to hear about your journey of Gods endless goodness!

Sometimes we don't really know what we believe until that belief is shaken.

I thought that I believed I was a powerful woman, until I met my husband and all the hidden beliefs came to the surface: that woman = weak. So until that moment, I was living in denial to what I secretly believed to be true. It didn't matter that my belief was in a lie, it was true to me, and so I became a slave to it, living in constant resistance to what I never wanted to admit was actually true to me.

So we come to the topic of God's goodness.

This belief is one of the most foundational ones and effects how we act, react, think, plan, relate... everything boils down to this belief, and totally will affect the way our lives look. I often ask myself this question: If I really, wholeheartedly believed that God is good, how would my life look different? What areas of my life would be affected the most?

Take a moment to to pause and reflect on that.

This topic is a wide one. As there are a potential hundreds that will read this, I'll have to empower you to become your own best self-mentor. God's goodness may be in question because of a hardship you face, or a situation that victimized or shook you somehow in the past... or perhaps it's simply just hard to picture any father, or person in authority to be "good" based on past experiences.

I can remember a time two years ago where I discovered some hard and painful truth that had happened many years years before my knowing, and that news seemed to threaten a big dream I had in front of me.

I was absolutely crushed, but I was away on some sort of ministry trip with a group of people I didn't really know or trust. So I woke up early, and ran to a distant wood, where I sat under a tree and wept in hiding. The tears turned to anger, and I remember picking up rocks and throwing them in my rage. I was in so much pain. Then came the anger toward God. "Why did you let this happen?" "You knew this day was coming all along, why didn't you stop it?!" I felt so painfully paralyzed within my heart, and I hid that pain from others. Rather than confide in God as my comforter, I actually put up an arms-length distance between Jesus and I.

I was still ministering to others and connecting with Jesus in my personal time, but that time dried up like a desert within months. My hope levels cascaded, and I became increasingly more emotionally vulnerable to believing lies about my own identity, as well as negatively charged thoughts that would send me spiraling down. Did I actually believe that God was good? Definitely not. I lacked trust in God and people. My actions proved that: I would choose safety over exploration, I had a bend toward self-protection over growth, I loved people less, and felt a considerable lesser capacity to give it to others.

(On the other hand, I think I dealt pretty well with needing to grieve and process hardship, but that is an entirely different topic. I may write about this in the future - healthy grieving IS IMPORTANT).

Though I said that I believed he was good, that belief was shallow, and didn't run deep enough. I had to rely on myself (exhausting and never works) to protect myself from any further harm. I didn't believe he was for me, I couldn't trust him.

But God wasn't worried, offended or hurt. The only hurt he had was that he was hurt for me. Like a prodigal son, I was believing that it would be wiser to take up my own situation in my own hands. But every time we did meet, he was simple and loving. He was like a sofa. He just wanted me to fall into his lap and let love have its way, but I was running away from love, afraid it would hurt me. Over time, my heart turned back to him and softened enough to hear him say "I never willed for any of that to happen, Moorea". With tears I realized his compassion for me, remembering again that it is never God who steals, kills, or destroys, but it is his will to give life, and life in abundance. (John 10:10)

The thing is, your beliefs will surface in hardship, but they will also be refined and changed right in the middle of that storm. It's one thing to be on a mountain and declare that God is good, but when you're in the valley, your beliefs are proven.

So, my journey of discovering the endless goodness of God is continually unraveling. Though the last few years of my life have come with difficulties I have never had to face before, I have now experienced God's faithfulness and goodness in such raw, powerful ways. The main area where he has revealed his abundant, intentional love toward me is in the area of provision. My husband and I have lived in Norway for 2 years now, working almost full time in an unpaid, voluntary position as leaders in a bible school. I will, again, probably need to write a whole other article about the miracles we have witnessed, but if you can imagine 2 years without income, and yet paying rent every month, never running out of food, in fact, being able to eat even healthy and good quality meals.... travelling all over Europe, and being able to afford 2 trips to Australia each year from Norway with a perfect, dream wedding on top... then maybe you can imagine the revelation of God's care and goodness that I am continually growing into.

Not having an income has made us wealthier than ever... and I don't mean by the bank statement. One day, we may have nothing in our account, the next day, 5000 Norwegian kroner. Not once have we made our needs known publicly, but always, at just the right time, whether its a person we meet on the bus, a friend randomly reaching out from Australia, or a stranger at church slipping money into my bag... we have what we need when we need it. We have taking this time very personally and leaned in to hear what the father is saying through it all. We have learnt to really believe all the Jesus said in Matthew 6 regarding not worrying. The only way we can "not worry" is if we are absolutely confident in the goodness of God. At first, I was not so confident. My prayers looked a little more like begging, with a sweat drop sliding down my tense face. Now, I simply believe it in my heart. God isn't putting any pressure on you to work up super faith over night, he enjoys the process of the journey, because he is way more interested in RELATIONSHIP with you and building trust through intimacy than turning you into some kind of perfect robot. If you'll open your heart to discovering his goodness one step at a time, he will swiftly run to meet you there. But in saying all of this, there is also always a place to make a bold decision to believe something you haven't experienced yet. We can never afford to create a theology based on our own experience, so sometimes the right thing to do is just to repent and decide to believe what the word says - allowing God's grace empower your faith level to soar.

I have been in both scenarios - slowly growing in faith at the speed of my inner healing, and also making bold decisions to trust him. A pastor once said, Bold faith stands on the shoulders of quiet trust. I couldn't agree more.

Another helpful tip is to feed yourself with truth. How often do you read the word in comparison to feeding yourself with, say, the comparison that may spring up whilst scrolling through social media? What we do with our time, and how we feed ourselves has a mighty high impact on our worldview and belief systems. So we can be proactive in the process of the renewing of our mind.

Was this helpful? Did it bring up more questions? I'm open to hear from you and discuss this further :) And thank you to the beautiful sister who sent in the question!! xx Moorea xx