Friends in different seasons.

"How to be in a healthy friendship when both are in different seasons". That was the question my friend, Grace, sent through on my little Instagram survey. Brilliant question. Here is my response to everyone who has this struggle going on: Are you the third wheel? Fifth wheel, even? Maybe your friends are giving birth to their 2nd child while you're convinced that all the good men are taken, and the friends you used to rant with about it are all slowly slipping away into marriages of their own.

Are you the only friend living in motherhood season, while the rest are planning weddings? Or maybe your friend just got promoted and it's "her season", but you're in a "hidden season"...

Ahhh the lists of woes are endless, and I have partaken in many of the above examples.

I decided to answer this questions with a focus on how to BE a friend (the giver), because friendship, at it's core is a noble, royal art of selflessness. For all you LOTR fans, Think Samwise carrying Frodo up the mountain, for example. He is a great example of being a healthy friend to someone in a different season. Or, Jesus - gosh nobody was in a season like His! But how well did he love those disciples, even though they understood only a fraction of what he was talking about. And I believe He genuinely found pleasure in them, with all their quirks and uniqueness, despite their inability to comprehend his "season". God wants us to mimic friendship the way Jesus did it. Do we say "I love you" so that we can hear it echoed back? Or because we really mean it?

Remember that while priorities may change, it doesn't necessarily mean that your friend's value for you has. For example, If you get married, or have children, then those people are always going to come first. And if you were originally in her inner circle, you just got pushed back a circle or two for the man and offspring to slide in ahead. She still loves you, but her time is limited. Offering to help her with the kids, or anything else she may practically need in this demanding season is a clever way to get some time with her. However, if your friend is prioritizing something less noble over you... then maybe you want to have a real chat with her, and see where her heart really is at. Be a giving friend, but don't be a doormat.

Something to remember about married women (especially the newlyweds) - they are really craving girl time! They are just figuring out this new thing called marriage and balance. But they will come back at you once the lifestyle has settled. I have been that third wheel a number of times. A lot of my friends married young and I married a little later, and with each friend, I could say I had to "wait" 9 - 12 months before the friendship momentum kicked in again. And now, I can see it play out in my own newly-wed life. I haven't been so on top of staying in touch with anyone. But I am giving myself so much space to grow and learn, I am re-learning to prioritize my close friends back in.

Something to know about friends who have kids - they are in a swirly world of children's songs, diapers, stress, possible tension with husband due to exhaustion etc. A lot of my friends who are mothers tell me that they can't even remember how to "do coffee" anymore, or how to make friends. "What else do I talk about but the latest episode of Peppa pig and that exciting 15 minutes where all the children were sleeping"? So your friend with kids needs you more now than before - she may not be able to be the same friend she was to you a few years ago, but I'm sure she loves you just the same! And in time, the babies will grow up and she will have more time.

What if you are the mom, or the wife longing for girl time? Well, once you can make time for your single friend, loving her well looks like respecting her season. It can be easy now for me to look upon the dating scene and roll my eyes at the same old struggles and mistakes being outplayed agin and again. It is very different on the other side. Do you remember how hard it was waiting to meet your man? The woes of dating life? Putting yourself in her shoes and leaning in to empathy and understanding, despite how contrasting her situation may be to yours, will really honor her and bless the friendship. You don't have to see things the same way to be connected. We connect by seeking to understand one another, and respecting eachother's story.

Also, it is not impossible to befriend a married woman! My friend recently shared her belief that she could not make friends with a married gal, and I had to disagree. Here's a tip for you - View your married friend as a "family". You are now a friend of the family, so keep your heart open to connecting a bit with her husband as well. That will mean a lot to your friend, and it brings a whole new fun dynamic to the relationship. And there will be times when it's just you two. If it's not happening, maybe just share your desire for more quality girl time. And who knows, in the future when you both have families, maybe you'll all go on holidays together! Maybe your future man is his best friend...

Keep in mind that it is very natural and normal for everyone to go through seasonal shifts, which will always affect your friendships. Some friends are there only for a particular season, some friends are for a time to come, and some are lifers. It's not always predictable as to where each friend fits because the future of everyone's life is a mystery. Friendship is a funny thing where you have to give your heart to some degree in order to feel connected, but you also cannot count on that person to be your source for life. You must hold friendships loosely, giving them the free will to choose you back or fly away, while remaining loyal as someone who loves simply to love. We cannot control another person's life but we can make decisions for our own path, including our priorities, character, and also how we are going to love our neighbor.

This is only possible with God, who invented relationships. Relationships are an opportunity to give, reflecting the love of the original giver Himself. Perhaps my deeper charge is to be reassessing who or what is meeting the needs of our soul. God's intention was to fill us with himself, and He is love. And from the overflow of love, a man marries a woman, and a friend reaches out to another friend. Friendships work really well when we move from a position of love and understanding our value in God.

Is no one in your season? I would encourage you to keep loving your friends in other seasons, but also get intentional in finding people you can run with for today.

A wise thing I once heard was this:

"I came seeking friends and I found none. I came to BE a friend, and I had many".

Be the start of a culture you wish already existed.