Making friends in foreign countries

Number 3 for the friendship series is dedicated to the question put forward by a Californian / Aussie sister which I think is a brilliant "niche" type question:

How to make friends in Foreign countries. Such a good question, because there really is a difference between your home culture and cultures abroad, and we need tools to navigate that. I am going to do my best at sharing my thoughts after having lived in Italy, USA and Norway: three completely different places to my small hometown in Australia.

For me, it has been a really raw, honest and focused journey. It took a while, but I finally accepted that whatever country I was in wouldn't be like home, and I chose to open my heart to new culture. There have been times where I really felt like a foreigner, and that was hard to process. Feeling misunderstood can be disheartening. At this point, I don't even know what my "norm" is as far as home or culture... I have had so much change in the last few years. It has often led to me questioning a lot of "who am I again?" type questions, because I've made the mistake of allowing obscurity to speak into my identity... Don't do that please. Stay true to yourself, but stay open to discovering sides of you that only overseas travel could offer you.

Point 1 is Consistency because it will take time.

Here is a harsh reality that I think just needs to be accepted to move forward: You will probably experience being misunderstood. People may not laugh at your jokes, and you might completely miss their humor too. Sarcasm could get lost in translation, your sweetness might be received as sarcasm, you may even unintentionally offend people while trying to be polite! But keep trying, stay consistent. There is just so much that you cannot control, but what you can do is stay authentic, until there is a mutual sense of understanding and connection.

Have you ever listened to a song or style of music that wasn't like the pop music on the radio? It can be so hard to connect to music from a foreign culture or era... until you finally figure out what the chorus or refrain is, and then you suddenly feel like you have a sort of grip on the soul of the song. But you need to wait, and listen for a while until you recognize the recurring motifs in the music. Humans are like that too, and it is possible to grasp that "soul" of the person after some consistency. You can't control them, but you can manage yourself. This is actually a great way to grow more intentional in building up your character, integrity and authenticity. It may take time, but it is so worth it. Despite all the misunderstandings, stay true to yourself, keep your heart pure, explain yourself again if necessary. Hang in there, and keep pursuing patiently.

Point 2 is to be Proactive. If building community is a real priority, then you've got to get proactive in the pursuit of friends. Don't wait for them to come to you, they already have their long-term friendships locked in around them, so they could be less likely to pursue you.

Before I ever traveled, I had the convenience of being surrounded by a community I had known since childhood. I don't even remember how most of those relationships started. Probably not with much intentional thought in my teenage mind.

So you can imagine the cold gear change moving to the northernmost regions of Europe! Here in Norway, I came into a community that has been running for 20 years +. People here grew up together. This is their home, their country, their story and their community. I was the stranger moving in from far away. I am lucky that most speak English, but that is not their home language. They are communicating with me outside of their comfortable norm, using words that are not their own in a sense. If you are living in a non-English speaking country and people have changed how they speak for you, you should be very thankful!

👉🏾 Basically I decided to step out and unashamedly pursue friends.

I took note of who I was naturally drawn to. I actually went to one girl and basically said "I really like you, I'd love to get to know you more, let's be friends". And I am so glad I did! She has become a dear friend. We started by chatting a little in our lunch breaks, and then I was invited to a sleepover with her and another girl who has now become my friend. But I really had to make "the first move". I knew that one thing my soul really needed in order to feel a little "settled" in this new country was community, so I worked at intentionally building relationships with key people that I was naturally drawn to, as well as people who I just wanted to be connected to: people who do family well, who lead their lives well, who have character, who are creative... etc. It has been one and a half years now, and my husband and I have amazing friends, but also mother / father figures around us, and connections with people who share the same passions that we do.

Point number 3 is to have Fun. I recently went on a shopping trip with a friend. I don't think we really had any deep heart to heart chats, but we just had fun and some good banter, I LOVED it! Ahh so life-giving and refreshing! Don't underestimate fun. We all need it, and it can often be more bonding than deep chats - especially at the start of the friendship. People who have laughed together are more likely to then open up on a deeper level. Tip for fun ideas - Ask the person what people from this city love to do, and do that together.

You'll learn more about the culture, but also more about your friend.

Point 4 is learn to Ask Good Questions! I don't support talking about yourself all day long - maybe that is a normal way of getting to know people in your country, but it isn't anywhere near as sustainable as learning about the other person and investing heart and time into their lives. Become curious, take the adventure of getting to know the person.

Hack - Sometimes, I do get stuck meeting someone who wants to connect, but has no talent in asking questions. In these situations, I help them out by sharing a little about me - even if they didn't ask for it. It just helps to keep a nice flow of conversation.

-For the sake of humanity, learn to ASK GOOD QUESTIONS PLS-

Point 5 is the element of Vulnerability which is also necessary for building deeper friendships. Often trust is built through fun, and expanded later in increasing measures of vulnerability. I have seen vulnerability misused so much, and it makes me cringe: Don't overshare as an attempt to manipulate someone into sticking close by! It's an act against you own heart - and a form of manipulation. Vulnerability is a gift that we get to choose to give in appropriate portions. Sharing parts of your life story is necessary to build bridges of understanding and meaningful connection, but share it as you trust the person.

It will require Heart & Courage to step out first. It can honestly be hard, but let it grow you. Thank God for the opportunity, and keep at it. Another thing I would add is be intentional with the friends you already have, your inner circle of friends. For me that looked like being on Skype at least once a week to connect heart to heart with one of the 6 key women in my life. I really needed that girl time with people who already know me. Take good care of your heart.

Final point: Fish in the right pond. What are you passionate about? Find people in those kinds of places. It is so much easier to build a friendship when you have things in common. It can be hard enough being from different countries. If you're really into pottery, go to a pottery workshop and connect with people there. Also, going to lots of social events is good to meet people, but to build solid connection, events will not do the job. You really need to take this thing head-on, one-on-one and with lots of intentionality.

Hope that was insightful - would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below, and perhaps what YOU have learnt in this area.

;) xxM