Nothing to Say

Picture this: You're at the entrance to another realm, and from the gateway you can see a multitude of souls.

Souls without any masks of materialism, or crazy haircuts to make them stand out. There are no particular social groups that edify status or personality. Just souls gathered around in an eternal ocean. Every man-made label washed away, every result from upbringing, culture, nation etc. is unidentifiable.

As you lean forward to look in, you somehow know that YOU are in that crowd - somewhere within sight. You can almost hear your own voice out there.

God the father challenges you: "Can you point yourself out to me?"

You're frozen. It would help if you could just see something familiar: the outfit you wore yesterday, for instance. And it's not that they all look the same... it's just that you're seeing the core of each person, the unseen parts. The heart, the thoughts, the emotions. The soul.

I felt God challenge me with this picture this morning as I came to him with the desire of seeking to feel known.

I live in Norway - a beautiful country with amazing people, but quite off my grid of normality. The language, weather, and lack of sunlight are enough of a challenge, but what hits hardest at times is this sense of "nobody really knows me". I didn't grow up with these people, they don't know what my family is like, or maybe get my sense of humour. They didn't go to school with me, we have no familiar memories, and there's not enough history for anyone to really come up with a summarisation of who I really am.

I don't expect that to happen in a year, this kind of sense belonging takes years of history, or at least of a really intentional and intense time of vulnerability (such as during bible school). And so I don't expect to have this need fully met by people, in fact not even my husband, despite the amazing intimate knowing of each other that we have cultivated.

The truth is that only God can actually meet and satisfy this need, because it was created to be met by Him. He alone can answer the deeper question of "who am I".

As I pondered on this rhetorical question, I quickly realised that I have no idea of who I am in comparison to what He knows about me.

He could have picked me out in a heartbeat amongst the immense crowd. He knows what I feel like, sound like, and what I release around me. He knowns it because He put me together. He invented me up in his heart before I had even developed a heart in my mother's womb!

God knows what we are made of. God the father intimately created each of us with an intentionality and purpose that dives deeper than the most ancient of days.

Only He can validate that cry in our heart to be known so intimately. I came to him wanting to feel known, I left that meeting in absolute wonder asking Him, "Then who am I?!" He obviously has a better understanding than me on that one...

I used to be so very clever at putting together a perfect little package presentation of who I am. I now see how weak that performance is, and how much life it actually sucks out of living.

I'd rather be unravelled to the core and find myself in Him despite feeling completely vulnerable for a time than to build up my own walls around me and painting them whatever colour I think is most applaudable.

The bigger issue is our understanding of identity. If we are building up our sense of identity from things that assist us in creating the persona by whom we want to be percieved by others to be, we may very well arrive at a certain point, puzzled as to where we lost ourself.

But if we build our life on the rhema words from the creator himself, we will not be shaken.

---

Further reading: