Put down the phone.

Firstly, this post is not a rant against anyone whose eyes are glued to the Instagram screen. Because I have been that girl, and we do not support stone-throwing here on Sister Talk.

'Aint nobody going to throw the first stone.

This is more of an endorsement of how relating to one another should look like.

There is this strange paradox that accompanies the millennial generation: we are becoming increasingly interested in emotional health, human connection, and pursuing vulnerability and intimacy while at the same time, becoming increasingly dependent & addicted to social media! Now it has come to the point where we are likely to pull our phones out mid conversation with a real human being!

Here's a real life scenario:

You go to meet a friend for coffee. You get there first and wait for her.

She finally arrives, but you can tell her mind is somewhat preoccupied.

Her phone is out in front of her, and while you greet her, she's half responding and her eyes are on the screen.

Finally, you interject: “What’s going on?” you actually even feel rude interrupting her.

She finally looks up at you and gives a moment of attention: "Sorry, I've just got to finish this post..." And then she's gone again while you wait some more.

Does she even want to be here with me? You wonder. It's almost as if you were in two different rooms.

BAM. First world problems.

Been there?

Social media is not evil: It's a great tool for so many things - including connection. But at the same time, I fear it has blunted our once sharp social skills and caused our human relations to become a little dull.

I went through the hardest season of my life in late 2018. I had some massive calls to make, and they overwhelmed me to the core.

In this time, I needed to get focused and I needed to protect myself from anything that triggered me, even if it seemed microscopic to others. I started by unfollowing people on Instagram that were just not good to follow in that time, but then I deleted Instagram and facebook all together! On top of that, I narrowed down the people I confided in and spoke to. I surrounded myself with only trusted leaders whose council I respected, and only a few friends who were going to be able to meet me in my season and encourage me through it.

Months went by, and I was getting emotionally stronger as my mind was being renewed by the word of God. Then I encountered a situation where I hung out with some friends who I hadn't spoken to in a while. I was so eager to finally connect, now that I felt more alive and able to give my friendship to others. But after that day I returned to my then-fiance feeling disappointed and upset because it felt as though my friends cared more about their social media profile than their me, their actual friend... unless their selfie included a picture of my lovely face, to further edify the facade that they had a thriving social life.

I honestly felt really left out, not having an Instagram of my own. But this event opened my eyes to a really sad reality that I hadn't noticed previously, when I too was glued to the gram... we are forgetting how to connect.

I sat there so many times just waiting for my friends to settle down from their social media high so that we could focus in on a deep, and real chat.

Not having social media in that time made the contrast really evident. And also drove me to the decision that when I speak with people, I give them all my attention. because they are worth it!

You see, When we pull out our phone mid conversation, we communicate a lowered value for the person. Especially if it's while they are the one speaking.

Also, another thing I noticed is that the depth of our conversation can become a lot shallower when we do that, because the friend is going to be much less likely to open up to you if she feels she can't trust your value for her.

Online conversation buries the human face and its organic expression under a mask of filters, emojis, likes, and posed smiles that you don't actually pull in real life.

So here's my challenge for you: When you are with your friend, turn your phone on silent, and turn the vibrator off. Leave it face-down on the table, (or away, in your bag), and don't allow it to steal from the friendships that you cherish so.

If this post convicts you, and you're dreaming of a better connection with your friends, perhaps you could be the initiator of putting down the phones. It won't be offensive, if you authentically express your desire and value for authentic connection.

This could be the start of revolutionizing how you do friendship.

It may feel a little awkward to begin with, and you might feel like you don't even know what to talk about! That's ok, you will learn to swim in the uncharted waters of connection.

This will also set your up for success in a future marriage. Communication skills are the backbone in so many ways.

Just some thoughts for today.

Until then, xx M