That one time I thought I was pregnant.

I caught a glimpse of her - Mother Moorea.

Disclaimer - this entry was MY experience. I am not preaching at all to anyone about what your experience around pregnancy or motherhood "should" be like, and I understand that this is an incredibly sensitive topic for many, so I empower you to make the decision of whether or not you would like to read this story.

Here is an account of the rollercoaster journey that my heart went on, the things I learnt about myself, and the new perspective I gained.

In the month of April, my period was late. When it was 4 days late, I half joked with a friend that it might be a pregnancy. Felix didn't think so.

5 days...

6 days...

Now I really began to wonder - what if? We were taking our students on a two night retreat. If there was still no trace of blood, we were planning to purchase a pregnancy test on our way home on the final day. By then it would be 8 days late, and I am never that late. Im pretty consistent, if you care to know... every 23-25 days. But this was day 29. I barely slept the night before the retreat. We were both a little anxious , wondering if we were actually ready for this. We were trying our best not to "meditate" on the thought before we had the facts, but that was really difficult for me. I was up late, googling to find out if I could have accidentally drank too much coffee than what my potential child could handle. I was experiencing extreme tiredness - I took a nap on the retreat and woke up two hours later, and I am not really a "napper", yet this happened TWICE! I was shocked about how tired I felt, however, (believing I was pregnant), there was a deep sacredness about resting. And I so enjoyed being able to pull away and be with my "four-week-old-baby" and take all the rest I needed to ensure my baby could get the best of me.

I wondered if the spirit and soul of this little person had already entered the fertilized egg.

I discovered that it should have already passed down the fallopian tube and made a home in the uterus wall - in MY uterus wall! What an honor.

And yet, I wrestled with trying not to come to a conclusion before I had the test results, trying to keep my heart from fully blooming open to the thought the person we often dream about might actually be developing inside of me.

Womanhood

"There's something so glorious, so human and sacred about a pregnant woman", I thought. Although I was dressed in casual camp clothes, I felt so beautiful and pure.

I felt like a queen, and I loved myself in a new way. With my little 4 week old secret tucked away in my body somewhere, I felt as though I was cradling a gold mine within me. I was suddenly overtaken by a desire to avoid coffee. (What a miracle!) Consuming a truck load of healthy food (so much salad haha) felt so good. I could almost feel the nutrition blessing my body and my 4 week old baby. Saying no to unhealthy food was easy, because I wanted to care for the life within me. Mamma-bear instincts were officially activated. One thought that hit me by surprise was if I was truly worthy to host this new life - if my body was really enough for a baby. If I was competent to protect and nourish and house this tender 4 week old person within me. I never foresaw that thought process, and I don't really know where it came from, but it came nevertheless and I had to talk to God about it. Honestly, I really wondered if I could actually give this new life the best that it deserved.

An encounter with God met me with these questions. "Do you really believe that I am good?" I realized that all my anxious thoughts were rooted in a lack of knowing trust that God is good. After talking through that with Him, I received this deep belief that if HE is good, and HE made ME, then I am good.

I am good for my baby, my baby is good, my pregnancy is good, my hopes and dreams are good. I AM GOOD!

And I began to love myself, just the way I am in such a new and refreshing, Holy way. I felt like I could love and celebrate what my body is, and is capable of. I felt connected to womanhood and femininity in a completely new way that I didn't see coming. I truly felt like a beautiful queen in God's eyes, and my body made so much sense to me. I felt fully secure in myself because of this revelation of God. It was an incredible experience, and I didn't mind the fatigue, because I so delighted in being alone with myself.

I felt the sacredness of life.

Woah. It took a false alarm to teach me that.

Reflections

On the last night of retreat, I lay awake while my darling husband was asleep behind me. My mind flashed back to our first date. Oh, the gorgeous young man who won my heart! Almost two years of marriage and three years in total of being together. So short has that time been, I thought as I reminisced on all the beautiful memories we had created thus far. There are still more dreams that we have and hoped to do before we started building our family, and my heart was a little saddened when I "realized" (because by then I was quite convinced) that we only had 9 months left together, and wondered how we would spend that time. I have dreams that I want to share only with him. Of course, we could still achieve them with children, but there is something unique and special about this short season in marriage before we introduce children into the picture.

The blessing we took from this experience, once I realized that I was in fact, not pregnant; was the determination to make the most of our time together, to pursue those dreams, and to stop saying "someday", but rather plan to bring those dreams into being. We determined to be more spontaneous, creative, wild and outrageous while we still could.

When my dear period decided to show up on day 31, I surprised myself with the words that came out of my mouth: "nooooooo".

I was actually disappointed for a moment because I had begun to let my heart begin to morph around the vision of motherhood. Felix also was a little sad. We hugged each other in a short, sombre moment where we let go of the vision of the little one we had begun to dream about. But following that, there was also some relief that it wasn't happening just yet.

I looked at myself in the mirror, noticed my slowly emerging abs that I had been working on and thought, "I don't have to say goodbye to you just yet!" All of a sudden, as if waking up from a dream, I felt my mindset and heart shift back to "regular Moorea". Familiar, yet, I wasn't so sure I wanted to fully return to her. There was something glorious that "mother Moorea" taught me, and I quickly asked God to help my keep those lessons in my heart.

Here I list those things, so that I remember them well, and perhaps you too may glean from them and allow yourself to enter into a dialogue with God.

- A confidence in God's goodness

- A new confidence in the belief that my body is good

- A new-found healthy self love, and appreciation of who I am

- Feeling the "queenly glory" that is Womanhood (and again, that is not solely defined by motherhood / pregnancy, but it helped me gain this perspective)

- My body making more sense, and loving my body

- Self-love expressed in decisions to eat well, rest, and care for myself.

God actually asked me, "Wow. so much care for a tender 4 week old, who may not exist... what makes you any less delicate and deserving of such care?)

- Thankfulness for my marriage and a vision for us

- A sacred closeness to God, as I hid my heart in Him during this navigation of uncharted territory.

- Ability to set healthy boundaries.

So there it is, my little adventure story. I honestly consider the whole thing a gift from God. Through it, we realized that the time would come sooner than we planned, we would be ready to become parents in a heartbeat. But at the same time, we are going to intentionally enjoy this season of it just being us two with much more vision and purpose. This season will only last so long, and is so special and sacred in itself.

Who knew that it would take a false pregnancy for me to learn all of these things about myself... I can only imagine how a real pregnancy will teach me so much more! Have you had a false alarm? I'd love to hear about it, and what you learnt about yourself!!

Until then, Moorea