The lockdown of self.

February, 2018: Felix felt distant one morning. He wasn't his usual brilliant, contagiously joyful self. I asked if everything was ok. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he felt low, uninspired, just... sad.

The conversation was cut short because we were called downstairs to have breakfast with the rest of the Fels family.

German breakfasts are one of the most wonderful rituals in European life: The golden sun rays alight upon some freshly baked pretzels, and a variety of bread rolls. The seedy whole grain, and the buttery white Swiss bread, braided together in perfection and ready to be ripped apart and smothered in Nutella. The warm coffee, the boiled eggs, hams, salamis, cheeses, Mamma Fels' homemade jam. Perfection. I obviously was immediately distracted from our conversation and dove head first into this 2 hour luxury that is called breakfast.

But even that didn't shake Felix out of his strange state.

Later we were in the car, driving to Italy to visit my family. I had tried every question I could think of to prod at this mysterious cloud that had engulfed my beloved's being. My own heart began to ache a little, seeing this injustice over my sweetheart. It felt so... sad, almost cruel. What was it?!

Finally quieting my heart and mind to ask God, I heard "spirit of self hatred". How did it happen? The night before, we had gone out to celebrate Felix's sister's birthday. He had felt as though his gift to her was pitiful and unintentional compared to what he would have wanted to give her. This lead to feelings of being "not good enough". Then, in the morning, I had made a comment about his hair (his hair is beautiful by the way). This comment landed exactly on a trigger to something far deeper that I was unaware of.

I felt regret immediately, but thankfully realized that this was not a battle against "flesh and blood" but "rulers of the darkness of this world and the spiritual forces of evil..." (Ephesians 6:12). The problem wasn't so much my careless comments (though from this I learnt how to better love my husband with my words), the problem was that deep down in hiding, Felix actually already believed some lies about himself. And these lies were tied to bigger lies all the way down to statements about his own identity. It was no longer just about the hair and the bunch of flowers, it was about his worth. "I feel like you shook hands with (made an agreement with) the spirit of self hatred."

The pin dropped. We caught the enemy. BAM.

We searched through the kingdom of Felix's heart and found the "weak point" where the enemy had insidiously crept in. Once we found the areas of pain that caused Felix to believe these lies, he was able to repent (which means to change your mind, and realign with God's truth). And just like that, the cloud was gone, like a puff of smoke! Something that posed itself as a huge, threatening secret was exposed as a tiny puff of smoke.

It's like that common "secret" that many of us have... "something about me is so weird and if anyone really got to know me, they wouldn't like me"... Thoughts like this, we keep as secrets in shame - as if they were true!!!

Recently, I was asking God about what was on his heart that I should write about. I strongly felt that He wanted to unmask something we refer to as the "spirit of self hatred" so that we can better recognize and fight against it. While many are locked away with no one but their self, during this global lock down, I wonder how many are actually enjoying that company. We humans are excellent at distracting ourselves from the elements that we fear the most about ourselves, or dislike about ourselves. But distraction is a gate that can only hold up for so long in the attempt to protect from invading voices that discomfort the soul. This is because what you believe is ultimately what will be your reality. If you believe something "ugly" about yourself, distraction changes nothing about that belief. It only allows for the belief to grow in the dark, threaten you with fear, trigger shame and disrupt peace until you explode.

It's high time we faced the fearful shadows and exposed them for what they are.

Self hatred is not always so obvious at first glance. It can lurk in feelings of shame, unworthiness, failure, loneliness, and fear.

The effects of these feelings can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors: putting less effort into yourself (such as unhealthy eating, dressing in unflattering clothes), a sense of unrest or lack of peace, anxiety, depression, isolation, manipulating others to "like" you, avoiding your reflection in the mirror, or certain parts of your body, a sense of emptiness or sadness that you cannot explain, inability to connect with God, a lack of joy, a sense of guilt or condemnation, trying so hard you exhaust yourself or not trying at all, shutting down creativity, no ability to dream or connect to self.

The effects of self hatred go beyond the obvious self-loathing picture you may have in your head.

Self hatred's goal is this: to stop you from stepping into your God-given destiny by "proving" that you're really not who God says you are, that you are actually not loved, not worthy, and that you should really be ashamed of yourself.

Sure, sometimes we make mistakes and need to go and clean them up, reconcile or repent. But self hatred also attempts to stop you from turning around by saying things to you like "you're so bad. You might as well run away and never come back."

I think a scene in the Lion King totally exposes this: Scar condemns Simba for killing his father (condemned, failure), tells him to "run away" (shame) and then send the hyenas to kill (death) the lion cub. The result: A king who behaves like a hippy, reacts like a coward, constantly distracts himself from the past, and is trapped in a purposeless life, distantly removed from his destiny. So he wasn't killed by the hyenas, but he died inside. Exactly what Scar wanted.

A while back I was processing with Felix my dissatisfaction in my connection to God. I felt I could only go so far, like I wasn't worthy to go deeper. We went a little deeper and unearthed a whole bunch of lies that had fermented under the surface for months. Thoughts that I hadn't taken captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), but rather, stuffed down and distracted myself from. The lies were that I wasn't "doing enough" for God, which made me a "terrible daughter" and I deserved "demotion" (opposite of promotion). On top of that, these lies had also lead to me treating myself poorly in how I ate, dressed and closed my heart off from receiving favor or celebration from others. I called it humility, when it was actually self-sabotage.

I was completely missing the whole point of the gospel! But my sights were so clouded, I couldn't tell that I had taken one step away from life and toward destruction.

It is so obvious to me now how wrong I was thinking.

For one, God doesn't ask us to "do anything to please him. In fact, the person Jesus praised the most was Martha's sister Mary, who simply delighted in just sitting with him and being present with him... doing NOTHING. (Luke 10:38-42) Secondly, we are his beloved because He first chose / loved us, not the other way around! And He chose us before we could muster up anything that would impress or please him.

(1 John 4:19) ( Ephesians 1:4-5),

And a daughter's role is a holy ordination from God, it is not a position you earn or work for. You are simply born into it. We are so deeply loved and chosen and created on purpose, with purpose. The reason I wrote this blog is to hopefully make it easier for you to recognize if what you are feeling may also be a result of "shaking hands" with a spirit of self hatred.

You are an Eagle, and self hatred is an ugly, disheveled vulture that hates itself and wants you to become like it. You are a daughter of God, from a Kingdom of Eagles who soar above the clouds. Self hatred might have you thinking you're a simple goose or a farm chicken, but you are God's majestic, royal heir.

We can never afford to have a thought about us that God himself doesn't have toward us.

These were the wise words of a pastor from my years at BSSM. Loving yourself starts with a revelation of truth from God.

It also requires a divorce from the spirit of self hatred. It is not your friend. This week during lock down, what a great opportunity to get real with our inner world. Let's invest time into discovering the treasures we really are and repenting from any lies we may have believed about ourselves. Then, I encourage you to put action behind that: declare truth about yourself: that you are WORTHY of love, you are BEAUTIFUL etc... and treat yourself - go and work out, dress up, tidy up your room, paint your nails, take a bubble bath...

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in his holy people (that's YOU!)."

- Eph 1:18

And my final word, a lyric from Song I love:

"You've been on lockdown and I hold the key"