When I was Leah and she was Rachel.

I've seen it so much in sisterhood relationships. Suppressed hostility, comparison, jealousy, and an on going war with words that are perfectly sharpened to trigger one another.

Here's my story about sisterhood and jealousy. It's real, and vulnerable, but I am unashamed because it does not define me, and knowing that I'm not the only one who has struggled with this compels me to address the issue.

Often times, it's the older one feeling insecure about her younger sibling rising up and blossoming into her identity. The younger can't understand why her "idol" doesn't want to spend time with her anymore, feeling rejected and confused. Meanwhile the bitterness continues to fester and ferment within the older sister, who is tormented with the chains of guilt, and yet pained by the lie that she has somehow been forced out of the spotlight of love. Does this sound familiar?

I can remember that from a young age, I was already insecure about her. I clearly recall when she learnt how to zip up her jacket not long after I had learnt the trick. I felt so threatened that she was stealing my "moment of glory" after so many attempts to figure out how the zipper worked. My reaction to this insecurity was to belittle my sister as an attempt to "control" the situation. "You'll understand when you're older" was a commonly repeated phrase that I lorded over her... only to realize that she actually already understood most things.

Isn't it fascinating that nobody needs to teach a child how to behave like that? The affects of the fall of man (See Genesis) creep in as soon as we take out first breath. We experience envy, shame, insecurity... a completely twisted version of who God made us to be. As unidentifiable as Jesus was on the cross is as equally unidentifiable as we were before we were born again. Our behaviors just don't line up with God's nature. But More on that in another post...

I was this wild, creative kid who hated conforming. She was quietly observing, punctual, and well - organised: Qualities that my mother praised. This caused little me to feel like a total looser at life. And thus, the envy and bitterness began.

But The worse moments happened in my teenage years.

We lived in a tiny country town in rural NSW, Australia. The kind where you could travel for a year and come back and see that nothing has changed. I was about 17 and had held back from dating all my life, waiting to meet a Christian guy that wasn't socially awkward, dressed like a slob, or a once-a-week kind of Christian. We began attending a new church, so I tried out the youth group. When My mum and sister came to pick me up afterward, I ran to Isabella, my sister exclaiming "There's a Christian boy here! And he's actually good looking!" (You're welcome, Tom ;) )

She was 14, he was 18, I was 17.

Can you guess what happened next?

She looked up to greet the new friend: "I spewed today!"Were the first words that came out of my 14-year-old teenage sister. She had gone to see a movie with a friend, overdosed on the candy, and threw it all up.

But somehow, there was this magic in the air. Tom (The well-dressed Christian boy) became fascinated with my candy-overdosed little sister, and I faded into the distant nothingness of teenage nightmare.

The following years were torment to my young heart. I became so embittered. My one dream in those days was to meet my husband, get married young, and be an example to other's of how purity in relationships should look like. And she was living my dream. She didn't even want a boyfriend in that time. All she wanted was sweets and selfies with her teenage friends. But Bella and Tom fell in love, and were soon dating. Because of all my suppressed pain and envy, my behavior and thoughts down-graded into a green wickedness. I was a mean big sister, especially with my words. I always sought to tear down and destroy anything that seemed to be a threat to me - and that included their relationship. Not that I was aggressively trying to pull them apart, but the root of pain, generously fed by lies from hell, caused my behavior and words to reflect the sour enmity that "overflowed" from my heart.

On top of this, was the forever-nagging weight of guilt and shame for my absolutely childish and unreasonable behavior, which, consequently led to a deep self-hatred. I was painfully ashamed but I couldn't stop it. Darkness suffocated my once vibrant and dreamy heart. I despised so many people including myself.

I felt like Leah, the unwanted older sister that Jacob was deceived into marrying when he was actually in love with Rachel. Jacob worked FOURTEEN YEARS for the hand of Rachel. And gave nothing for Leah. I felt like God had handed Isabella every beautiful gift to affirm her worth, and I was apparently worth nothing. I was so confused and often endured late, painful tear-streaked nights asking God "whhhhyyyyy?" But not so loud lest anyone would hear. Apparently I thought lonely isolation was the best way to cure an aching heart...

Then came my breath of fresh air.

In 2011, I traveled to a worship school held by Bethel Church in California. In this one month, I came alive. I discovered how much bigger God is, how endless His goodness is. How He has chosen and loved me. I began to finally see myself the way He sees me. I became so free during the worship that I would wildly dance and shout to express my joy and love for God! It felt like I had finally discovered who I was. Like I was living for the first time. I made amazing new friends, embraced the vibrancy of life through creativity, trying new things, and now, contrary to the season before, would lay awake at night in my bed, reveling over how exciting life with Jesus is.

The chains I had felt previously were a distant memory. Then one day in worship, God spoke to me. "You like this freedom don't you?" He said with a heart-warming smile.

"Yes!! I'll never go back!" "But you know what you need to do now?" I knew what He was asking me to do. To apologize and to forgive.

Not that Isabella or Tom had wronged me, But I had to forgive them to release them from my judgement and self-inflicted poison and divorce the lie that I was somehow rejectable and without value.

After my travels (5 months of glory in total), I returned eager to set things right. I wrote a very long letter, sat my whole family on the bed (because everyone had experienced the foul stench of my fermented bitterness). I explained everything: why it hurt, what I was sorry for, and how it made me feel to know that I had been so wicked. There were many tears and there was deep reconciliation. From then on, it was a process for about 2 more years. Every time something would trigger that lie of worthlessness, I had to choose to forsake it and press into the truth of who God says I am, until I was unreservedly, perfectly and completely transformed!

Now liberated from the entanglement of the devil's web of lies, I was finally able to blossom and thrive. I was free to be the amazing big sister that I had always dreamed of being. The clockwork of sin is this: pain gives way for lies, lies overtime affect the lens from which we see life - distorting what is true in order to provide evidence for the lie. This eventually leads to us acting out of character as a means to satisfy or silence the voices in our head. Then regret, guilt and shame creep in and the voice of the accuser works to keep you locked in that prison camp: slave labor for a Queen. Lack of knowledge of truth keeps us there, while the whole scheme is just smoke and mirrors. When God revealed the truth of who I am in Him, and how loved I am by Him, the web of lies lost all it's power.

If I could go back, I would do everything different. And that is proof that the girl I behaved as is not who I actually am.

Today I am an awesome sister :) and the three of us are dear friends. By the time they were getting married, I had already been free for some years. I remember realizing how wonderful it felt to not be insecure anymore about something as vaporous as my younger sister marrying before me, because I am loved by God, and am in no way disqualified from my own fairy-tale dream. Today I am living a dream beyond what I could have imagined with my husband, Felix, but there was a long waiting process, of which I will write about another time.

My journey with my sister birthed a passion to be a good sister to every other woman I meet. Hence, Sister talk.

If this article has resonated with you and you would like to reach out, I am more than happy to hear from you, just send in your message here. Remember, your shortcomings do not define you :) All my love,

xx M